| GRACEFUL IN EVERYTHING SHE DOES. | |
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| HARMONIC LULL IN THE WIND. |
TRACK --I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND
THE ARTIST --ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
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| THE PRIZE AT THE END OF THE LINE. |
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Becoming_Lost_In_My_Dreams
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Name: Danielle
Location: Ventura, California, United States
Birthday: 4/5/1991
Gender: Female
Interests: Danielle hearts...soccer -- Cristiano Ronaldo -- sleep -- my iPod -- tennis -- hot baths -- having fun
Expertise: I am an expert in... soccer -- sleeping -- and having fun
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/25/2005
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| So toddler like, every single step. Wobbling, unbalanced, unsure. Foot after foot, walking down an unknown and undetermined path, not knowing where I’m destined to go. Following, hoping for the best.
But then there was a hand, a steadying factor. A hand that balanced me and made it okay to look up instead of down, making sure that I didn’t trip. There was a scared up hand with long fingers, bitten down nails, and a roughness to it. But it was a hand nonetheless, a hand I so desperately needed.
And somehow, that hand fit perfectly in mine, counter-balanced the small size of my soft hands and made my not so perfect nails look more perfect than they ever had. Our knuckles were not the same, just as our skin tones weren’t and the amount of scars differed. Two different hands laced together as one, like the rest of ourselves. But as different as we were, we were the same in so many ways.
I observed our fingers, laced tightly together without a chance of becoming loosened. I sat there and pulled them close to my eyes, silently looking them over and wondering how each darkened scar had gotten there, the story behind it. But as I quietly looked over our entwined hands, you quietly looked over me. Watching the way my hair moved, how I’d move a strand behind my ear with my free hand and then trace a scar with it. You sat there and just stared, embracing even the smallest of movements and smiling at it all, loving it all, just as I love you.
© becoming_lost_in_my_dreams
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| I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give you forever.
- The Notebook
I know it's like trying to turn around on one way street
I can't give you what you want
And it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
Maybe we're not meant to be.
- Not Meant to Be, Theory of a Deadman
I miss you now and hey
And I can't wait another day
And hey, that crooked smile upon your face
Oh, they'll never get old
all the stories you told.
- Miss You, Candlebox
You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till
I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one.
- Wait for Me, Theory of a Deadman
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| i've found, though, that my favorite times when he sings is when it's just the two of us alone, some random song playing off of itunes.
it, by far, makes me melt every time. he's not the best singer, and neither am i, but his voice is like it's own music to my ears,
and to me it's the most beautiful sound.
© becoming_lost_in_my_dreams
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| A symphony of words, strung together so harmoniously and harmonically.
Never did three simple words mean so much.
© becoming_lost_in_my_dreams
With every breath that I take in,
Well I'll swear on every inch of my lungs,
I'm with you.
- from the second i wake up, promise of redemption
Whatever you are, be a good one.
- Abraham Lincoln
I can conquer the world with one hand,
as long as you are holding the other.
The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.
- Albus Dumbledore
Most of the time, it was just a small string of words.
Sometimes they were a little jumbled and mixed up and to others they didn’t make sense.
But to me, they had so much meaning and substance.
Sometimes it’s the most imperfect of things that seem so perfect.
To me, those irregular and improper sentences meant the most and were just what they needed to be,
and nothing more.
© becoming_lost_in_my_dreams
She never resisted in holding back her opinions.
She had a voice, and she wanted it to be heard.
© becoming_lost_in_my_dreams
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| I feel the major need to vent right now. Not because I'm angry, or because I feel depressed, or because I'm overly happy. I just have a lot on my mind, and I need to let it out somewhere.
I feel like I can't talk to my best friend about anything that has to do with my love life, like I've been over burdening her with anything I say about him, because she goes into a state of "omg no one wants me" and just flips out. She gets all over-reactive when she's not even 17 and doesn't need to worry about having a boyfriend and having someone to spend her life with. She hasn't hit college yet, hasn't met even half of the people she's bound to. And she has so much TIME. Time. She has so much of it, and just constantly, for lack of better words, freaks out and goes into this depression. And then because of it, she instantly falls for whatever guy she thinks has the slightest interest in her. She isn't falling for the guy because she likes him, but because there's that remote possibility of him liking her. No mutual attraction, no like for the personality, just the stupid simple fact that someone wants her. I love the girl to death, but I cannot stand this any longer. This isn't the way to get into a relationship, and no matter how many time I tell her to be patient, she just ignores what I have to say and goes on with hurting herself when she finds out she's been "misled" and falls back into this routine all over again.
Thus, whenever I say anything about James, my boyfriend, or ask for any help I need, I just feel guilty. And I really shouldn't. I'm happy. It's been SO LONG since I was this happy. It's taken me YEARS to fall back into the old Danielle, the one who was so easy going and just stressed over a test at school. The Danielle who never had a hard time putting a genuine smile on her face and the girl who could be happy with just touching a soccer ball. And then once I blew out my knee and had surgery, i changed SO much. I worry about even just stepping wrong on the sidewalk, worry about jumping in case I'll hurt myself again. I had soccer literally ripped right out of my hands, the one thing I even valued mroe than life itself. With that gone, my world literally felt black and cold and morbid. It was like there filament in the lightbulb had been permanently damaged and there was no lightbulb to replace it, leaving me sitting in a chair to bask in the darkness. And then, FINALLY, things are going back on the right track and now I have someone who can make me equally as happy when it's the right time for soccer to be gone. But I feel like I can't talk about that with anyone except susan, and even then, sometimes I feel like I'm just using her to get it all out, and that's not okay by me. She was easily one of the best friends I've ever had, and she continues to be. To use her just for that purpose is just so wrong. I should be able to talk to her about anything and everything, not just boys. I need more than one outlet.
Now, with that said, onto what's really bothering me, even more than that.
I'm falling hard for this boy, and fast. I mean, really. I've already fallen beyond help. He has me heels over head. This is the man that I want to marry, that I know I'll marry and have kids with and grow old with. At first it scared me to be so committed so someone, to hand over my barely fixed and oh so fragile heart to someone other then myself. I was putting my only recently pieced back together heart in the hands of someone who has so much ability to smash it on the ground and send it bursting into a billion little shards all over again. But after time, I've grown to trust him with not just my heart, but with me entirely. He knows how to handle me at my worst, knows just when I need to be held and just told that I mean something more than anything else. The only problem is that this is a long distance relationship. He's in the air force and stationed in New York, never home and deployed half way around the world half the time.
I know I can handle that, there is no doubt in my mind that if there was anyone who was born and suited to last in an LDR, it was me. I almost need that kind of space where I can be completely committed to someone and be independent at the same time. But what scares me the msot is how I'm going to be when he comes home in just under a week. I know I'm going to get attatched and I know that I'm going to want to be clinging to him 24/7 and holding and touching him every millisecond I can. And because of that, I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of what I'm going to be like when he leaves again. I had the hardest time when one of my friends left for his mission, and I wasn't even in a relationship with him. But this boy, this man, has every last millimeter of my heart, down to the very last decimal point. He has every part of me that you could imagine, and then some more. When he leaves again, I know I'm going to be in tears and that I'm not going to want to let go. One of his parents or siblings is going to have to pull me off, I'm sure. and even after that, I know I'll be clinging to whoever pulls me off.
i've never been in such a vulnerable state before, never been so absorbed with one person and so attatched. I hate to be all cliche, but it's like half of me is leaving when he leaves to go back to NY. I hate letting others see such a weak side of me. I'm not a week, frail person like that. I'm always the strong one, the one who's pulling people back on their feet and pushing them forward, whether it's willingly or not. It's so hard for me to switch roles like that, so hard for me to let people see me in such a vulnerable state. That's what scares me most, not being able to cope strongly like I'm supposed to. I know the feeling's won't go away, they never will. I'm not going anywhere, and neither is he. But the pain of it just frightens me. It's going to be extreme pain, just as bad as it was before and after surgery was. I'm scared to go through that again. That;s what I really needed to get out.
Now that that's off my chest, I feel somewhat better now. Not entirely, but I feel better getting it out. Even if it's not to anyone in specific. Just to anyone who cares, I suppose.
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